I was bleedin. In Germany it’s usually called mimisan, you know.
The first time it happened is when I was painting a Thai film clip, after lunch.
Felt my nose was filled with something, I thought it was snot. I was nyingsring and got surprised. It was bright, red. Oow the blood drops!
There was an afternoon class, I asked help someone to ask the lecture a permission for me. I felt sick. Not because I feel my body ill, but only because of its red color, knowing it was blood, trivial reasons.
Then it was gonna be twice when I prayed Isa. Once I did rukuk. The blood dropped my mukena. Haha the pray is canceled automatically. And I was got confused, I thought it will only happen one time before. Only at that single time.
Did it happen because I was exhausted? Ah that night I tried to get asleep early. But hard. I wasn’t sleepy.
On the morrow, I thought I have been okay, I had a good sleep last night, didn’t I?
Went to campus, I got included at talking with several people, until my turn to talk, then thing which I didn’t wanna happen, happened. I was bleeding. Like an early snot when you’re in influenza at the first moment. Yes, it just flowed, smoothly! Shocked people.
They talked loudly, panicky “Tissue! Tissue! Somebody please give her tissues!”
“I bring my tissue!” then I ran to the toilet. Two of them accompanied me, “What’s wrong?
What time you came from that Slamet Riyadi street last night?”
“Not that long after magrib,” I lied. To them all I wanna do is lying.
Then a kind colleague took me back home. “Did you do anything to your nose before?”
“What did I do? Is it thing such as… ngupil?”
We arrived at my kossan. “Let me tell you, this kosan is called qurota ayun. I don’t know what the meaning of qurota ayun, maybe you, do you know what it means?”
“It has no meaning, believe me. Get your body much mineral water,” she said. “Get well soon.”
“Thanks.”
At my room (didn’t know what had to do) I read book, Eka’s book, about bird, not in its literal meaning. Ha ha ha. Then after lunch I went to the college’s medical centre and got a check there. (my mom suggested that).
The doctor (I don’t know is she really doctor) only threw me little question, she didn’t even ask what I did (or eat) before. She gave me a recipe (similar with influenza medicine) to be taken at the pharmacy.
Not that long after that, when I just arrived my room, it happened again! syeeerrr. Super red blood. Tes. Tes. Tes. More blood. More than before. While I nengadahin tangan in order to make the blood not belecetan, at the same time I tried to reach tissues. Then I plugged in (kayak colokan aja) my nose by tissue. Sheets of tissue. Wadding of tissue. They got red, they got wet. It was not enough. The blood oozed out. I was panic.
Only a minute one pack of tissue was used up. My blood made dirty the floor. The blood flow felt like just syerrr syeeeeerrrrrr at my nose. Warm. Deras. I pinched my nose in order to make it stop, but didn’t work. That red liquid filled my throat instead. Make me hard to breathe. I was scared, quite scared. I started to breathe through my mouth. I thought about death. I’m afraid of me will be ran out of blood. Me. A weirdo that will be found, has been died in her small kosan. I thought about my mom, about Teduh. I thought about my dreams. Thing like my current resolution of having a male best friend, someone like Iwan when I was 5 years old. Then, (the more peculiar) idea of being someone new if reincarnation truly exist, I wanna be a sailor, a sailor with the wind in his hair and a ukulele on his hand, like Portuguese’s mariner. Or a shepherd boy, herd his sheepfold. Or just being Heidi, who lived in Alpen in peace with Uncle Alm. But before these, but, but NO, I have to be alive. Oh I need help!
So with blood on my face, I asked Arum to accompany me for taking me back to medical center. That time I was in short t-shirt. Arum helped me to wear the jacket, but not the veil. So I got to the road without vail! Gile. I was ashamed and scared at the same time. But when thinking about it again, one of the probabilities, why I didn’t wear it, is because… Perhaps I was worry that my-lovely-gray-veil will be soiled by blood. So trivial. I thought about death before, didn’t I?
Arrived there I got cleaned. They also calmed me down, told me that I will be okay. I tried to believe it. I was asked to look up my head so the blood which couldn’t exit from my nose filled my throat and the doctor asked me to…
“Just swallow it.”
Oh really?
I swallowed it anyway, like a vampire.
It lil bit confused me. Because according to articles I read before, we are forbidden to look up the head, it affects blood to return to the throat, and we can’t swallow it because that could make us suffer radang usus instead. But at that moment I more believed the doctor, however, her, the one who was there, would to handle me, not the article writer.
I looked up. Whereas someone cleaned my nose, my mouth. Took several minutes. On tissues, I saw my blood coagulated. Like period’s, but in the bigger volume.
“Has it stopped?” asked the doctor.
“Yes, I think it has,” I wasn’t sure.
“Get yourself much rest after this.”
They stocked me a rolled kassa plugged my right nose, (idung w ditusuk gitu) and a roll of kassa in my pocket. After washing my hand, I came back my room. Then slept until half past five with the spun head. Something that’s still confusing is… why didn’t that doctor explain me the reason why it occurred, even after I have asked her, ha?
_
Last night my mom send me article of possibility about why we bleed. I have read the similar article before and there is nothing that me. But in that reading I found it. Aspirin. Yes, the daily aspirin consuming. Is it?
I don’t know. Thing that really clear is I’m canceled for being a sailor. Sad. But wait, I feel like there is something trying to fill up my nose again....
a gorgeous Moby Dyck (a novel which tells the story about a whale, i just kneeeww it's exist) illustration. Posted this. Maybe it's related. Because the sailors were there, in the boat.
February.
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